The British are Calling… They want their original ideas back.
(John Cleese)
Picture by: dunno source. Caption by: dunno source via Our LOL Builder
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Wait, I’m confused by this one. Are they saying that John Cleese stole original British ideas? Because he is British, so that wouldn’t really make sense
no, its saying that John Cleese is phoning asking for the british ideas back
hello, america? yes, yes. britain here. how do you do? marvellous! well, it has been a long time. no, you haven’t called us, either. no, no, george is gone. yes, he’s been dead for quite a few hundred years now, actually. well, we have a new one. i beg your pardon? no, this one’s called elizabeth. no, not a king, a queen. yes, that’s right. Q-U-E-E-N, as in female monarch. well, of course she’s a woman!
lmfao, you win!
Hellooo do you have Prince Albert in a can?.
Dear Citizens of America,
In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”
3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation.
4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
5. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”
6. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”,
but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will
be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called “Come-Uppance Day.”
8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.
9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables… Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.
12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) – roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to it.
13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.
14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ear removed with a cheese grater.
17. You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one kind of proper football; you call it “soccer”. Those of you brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
bunch of Jessies – English slang for “Big Girls Blouse”).
18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.
19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.
Thank you for your co-operation.
Good luck enforcing all that. Let us know how that turns out for you. You can leave a message with our military.
That’s ok. We’ll just sit back and let your military kill themselves. Oh wait I mean friendly fire.
Actually, the suicide rates are way up, too. Thanks for the compassion.
I’m sure that they will do very well preventing the enforcement of the previous list of rules. By the way, how’s that search for Osama Bin Laden going?
Also known as “John Cleese’s Letter to America” for those who actually thought Tobester had the brainpower to pen this hilarity.
Attribution FAIL.
Attribution fail, indeed. John Cleese didn’t write that, in part or in full. It originated from some newsgroups and email lists that eventually crafted the version seen here. Check out http://urbanlegends.about.com/od/government/a/revocation_a.htm for more information on all that; I don’t normally correct people, but if you’re going to act all high-and-mighty, you may want to do a little research before doing so.
Only one problem with all of that. I agree with all of your points, they’re great…
But Obama is better than Brown. Brown is… useless.
As soon as Obama messes up, and we get a decent leader, carry out this scheme.
Also, Americans:
The “language” you so wonderfully fail to speak is called “ENGLISH”. Not “AMERICAN”.
Pants are not the things what go over your legs. They are TROUSERS.
Faucet? It’s a tap.
RULES FOR CONVERTING AmE to BrE:
Add 400 years (faucet > tap)
OR
Make it one size up (pants > trousers)
OR
The other side (guess)
“The “language” you so wonderfully fail to speak is called “ENGLISH”. Not “AMERICAN”.”
Yeah! They ruinin’ me language, they are!
So tell me, guyontehinterwebs, what exactly would you put in your fanny pack?
See, because…..
Never mind…
For your information we call those bum bags.
They didn’t really take off over here.
Yeah, see, that was kinda the joke… because he said “the other side”…
…oh, nevermind…
Thank you for reminding me that as bad as Americans are, there are always people more stuck-up and full of themselves than us.
Also, you think we steal ideas from the BRITISH??? No thank you, we’d much rather steal ideas from people who are clever and original.
click link, nuff said.
Jeebus. You’d think we’d at least have the good fortune to steal shows worth watching. Most of that is reality TV tripe that should never have been made — much less REmade.
Shame we never got Coupling off the ground, and that the UK version died so young. Good stuff, that.
You have got to be kidding me. Tell me of one American show that can even equal the pure genius of Fawlty Towers.
omg brown is a complete moron and we didnt even ask for him he just walked in and took over lol. obama is better and am glad u lot made the write choice. as to countries we share ideas and programmes. and lets face it in the whole crazy world we are the only too countries to have our heads kinda screwed on lol. so all these nasty comments that are flying around on here lets just ignore them people coz they not worth our time. we are the only countries to be making a proper stand against the u no who. btw i am aware i cant spell lol
umm…what about us aussies?
In reference to 20, once our taxes are paid we expect the same benefits as the English… Every American family will expect back pay in child benefits (roughly $20 per week per child till the age of 18 or 19), also full social security benefits for the old, unemployed and disabled (back dated, of course), including full rent paid, free medical treatment (including dental, scripts etc), cash payments and taxes paid in full (also back dated).
If that doesn’t bankrupt you, the unemployed would also expect access to free degree level education, paid for by the English government. Other allowances that are enjoyed by the British would also be expect… 3 weeks paid vacation time, sick pay and additional benefits for low wage families.
Also don’t forget the payments to the illegal immigrants, including houses, food, job training etc, just like they receive in England.
If the English politicians feel they are able to manages these financial burdens better than they are able to manage their personal accounts and bookkeeping, I wish them luck .
WIN.
remember no. 10? British social system is a wreck compared to Germanys.
That’s just stupid, even if it did go ahead, you wouldn’t deserve most of it, being that people have died so I guess it would go to their familes but even still the country hasn’t ruled for 400 or so years.
This was funnier when Bush was still president. I’ve heard Obama is quite popular in Jolly Old Britain.
Dear United Kingdom,
Due to your inability to recognize the independence of the United States of America as a free nation, we Americans hereby refuse to be reannexed to the United Kingdom. Here’s why.
1. Twenty-five thousand American lives were lost for the sake of freeing the United States of America from your tyrannical, oppressive rule. After we colonists wiped the floor with the greatest empire in the world, we declared independence. As we celebrate 233 years of freedom, feel free to look at our pretty pyrotechnics.
2. American is a dialect of the English language. British is a dialect of the English language. We will continue to speak American, and you can continue to speak British as you please.
3. To wrap this up, if you ever put unnecessary u’s in our words, or tell us that “llama” is “llamer,” or claim that all American sentences are comprised of the same 27 words, or tell our citizens that they can’t be armed to fend off a “trained, proffessional army,” or lay a finger on our transportation system, or any other change to the American way of life, well…
Let’s just say that we will define the meaning of “the last surviving superpower” to any nation that dares challenge us.
And lastly…
I have read of the world’s problems and history through the private, American education my foreign parents paid for through a capitalist system. I doubt that, when my parents came from the opposite end of the world to America with $600 and the clothes on their backs, they would raise a child that would put up with a list he saw on the Internet.
You, “sah,” disgust me.
Looks like we upside wyde the big wimp…
How exactly does expressing my views make me a wimp?
no one i know speaks ‘british’..
English is a branch or dialect of Old English, which proceeds from Anglo-Frisian, from Ingvaeonic which is a branch West Germanic. I consider English that is spoken in The U.K. to be proper English since Old English is rarely spoken.
You cannot speak American because American is not a language, it is a dialect influenced by the either the lack of education (I’m talking about hillbillies back during the early years) or other languages with that speak English with a thick accent that is evolves the language.
I don’t know if that made sense or not. I just probably made an ass out of myself.
And now your country surpresses you and charges you for everything, definitly the charging, sick.
BTW, it’s actually spelled “aluminum” over here, so we are saying it correctly.
Changing the spelling doesn’t mean your saying it correctly.
HAHA….my mom just forwarded this to me a few days ago…ha ha…
Also…”Fawlty Towers” FTW!!!!
You have no life…
Another european trying to take the US.
how pathetic.
the dutch demanded new york back in case you didnt hear (hilarious).
And you will begin pronouncing “herbs” correctly. The “H” is there for a reason.
#1-20: Hey, you forced people you didn’t tolerate across the sea, then threw the rest of your trash who couldn’t get jobs here, and then subsequently got pwned by them in the Revolutionary War. You could’ve had a great nation with all your petty spelling rules, but I think you blew it. Sorry.
Also, baseball is played in a lot of other countries. Just because your country sucks at it doesn’t mean it’s not a world sport.
#1-20: Hey, you forced people you didn’t tolerate across the sea…
Umm yeah, I think you mean AUSTRALIA…
But thanks for sharing your views with us ^^
“baseball is played in a lot of other countries”
No it isn’t. Japan is only one country.
I love this letter! XD
ROFL at ray’s comment here.
thaguverimudge!
Well, ectuelly old boy, we’d settle for you paying royalties on radars and jet engines.
But wouldn’t you have to pay royalties to China for tea?
We paid preemptive royalites on radar and jet engines when we used them to save your from the German’s (AGAIN) in WWII.
ZING!
Doubts:
We never used jet engines in combat in WWII. The only countries to field jet-powered combat aircraft in WWII were the UK (Gloster Meteor) and Germany (Messerschmitt Me 262, Arado Ar 234, Heinkel He 162). The US entry, the Lockheed P-80, flew in 1944 and 1945 but crashes in testing prevented it from appearing in combat. If Operation Downfall had had to be implemented, the P-80 would likely have flown over the skies of Japan once suitable land bases had been secured.
As for radar, the seminal invention allowing truly accurate radar was all UK. The US had no concept of the cavity magnetron (basically the same device that powers your microwave oven) until Churchill allowed it to be shown to the US via the Tizard Mission in the dark days of 1940. We certainly ran with it once we learned the tech, but we were nowhere close to developing such tech on our own at the time.
Cheers; that saves me from typing that lot!
Actually Slight fail on the aircraft there. The Me-162 Komet was actually rocket powered (It wasn’t largely used as a. it came in late in the war and b. it was known to have killed more German Pilots than it did Allied as on take off the aircraft had no proper landing gear, instead being placed on a trolley type arrangement, and to take off it had to pull up, drop the trolley which often caused it to bounce up and rupture the fuel tank explosively (It was Liquid Oxygen mixed up with other fun explosive chemicals.) and b. On landing the pilot had to ensure that the tanks were COMPLETELY clear of any fuel as because the aurcraft had no landing gear on the return journey it had to land on the central skid, this of course caused friction which causes heat which causes the fuel if there was any to suddenly go bang.
Whoops!! That’s my bad eyesight for you. I misread Me and He. I really need to get a new pair of glasses. In fact it’s time I was getting Bifocals now I think
“”The facts of D-Day are that 62,000 British troops landed, along with 58,000 Americans and 5,000 Commonwealth troops, mostly Canadian. Sixty-six percent of the warships supporting the landing and 75 percent of the landing craft were British, as were most of the planes. All of the technical innovations that aided the landings were British.”
Japan Times
Oh! But then I saw Tobesters’s contribution!!
come-uppance-day! Aggressive waitresses! BRILL!
And no. 19
You can also learn that the word number should be abbreviated as ‘no.’ – (note the use of the full-stop; as is proper when using abbreviations. Note it is called a full stop and not a period) – and not with a hash-mark (#). Which should also not be confused with a pound sign (£)
The U.K. and the U.S.A. – two countries separated by a common langwidj.
Quote attribution: Oscar Wilde
Hey, on topic, did you know that Chris Rock is redoing Death at a Funeral? That’s gonna suck balls.
Anything Chris Rock does sucks balls. CHRIS sucks balls.
I agree. Let’s give them back both of their original ideas!
Ah, but who invented the television?
Learn history plz.
Hello, England? Yes, this is the estate of Charlie Chaplin. Please return Mr. Chaplin’s original ideas. kthxbai.
You mean Sir Charles Spencer Chaplain, born in Walworth, London, ENGLAND?
Benny just pwn3d him.
Chaplin, not Chaplain. The one who emigrated to America, then got a huge film career. In America.
Yes that’s correct; whether you like it or not, Charlie Chaplin was born in England, and is far from the only actor to change his name for Hollywood.
Who cares where he was born? If you live in America most of your life and have all your ideas in America where you are payed for them with American money and you have American citizenship, you are an American and so are your ideas.
Cultural imperialism; you have it.
FWIW I preferred Buster Keaton or Laurel & Hardy anyway.
Hehe might want to check the definition on that one pal
Nothing forcible about accepting immigrants into your country and culture. Regardless if you’re British you really shouldn’t be throwing that around.
Personally I think they’re all pretty funny, Monty Python topping them the list naturally.
Completely unrelated to the rest of these posts, this image is from Fawlty Towers
Ironic caption FAIL
“Fawlty Towers” FTW!! Woohoo!
…A series that ended all too quickly.
Also, someone just sent me the above “Dear America” letter a few days ago my happenstance. Still kinda funny…
Number 10 probably made me laugh the most…
Original ideas, like, say… the Office? Britain’s Got Talent? The Weakest Link? How many American shows were first British shows? DUH, people – learn your television history. THOSE are the original ideas we’re talking about here.
i hear Shameless is to be remade too.. i can’t picture it
Well of course America reckons they won the war… I mean it’s all well and good to join in LATE, with no regard at all that Britain had been fighting Germany for years beforehand – all their resources either being bombed in the factories they were built in or blown up in action. America turning up late to the party with all their resources and claiming they won the war? Yeah right… I would have liked to see them try to win a war without British help.
Please cool the Britain Vs. America hate! Good lord we’re about as similar as two cultures can be.
First off, the British have had their share of great ideas but I think this photo is belittling the countless contributions America has made to the world, such as this Internet thing we’re using right now on this thing called an electronic digital computer, both of which are largely American.
Second, British people can spell words how they like and Americans can spell words how they like. This one really gets me. Who cares what the language is called? The fact that Brits seem to get so worked up over this is baffling, especially when there is no clear superiority about their spelling (quite the contrary in my humble opinion). If anything they should be more mad about stuff along the lines of how we’re still using their outdated empirical system instead of the newer metric.
About the world wars – Britain kicked ass. America kicked ass. Both were crucial in preventing further tragedy. Why not leave it at that?
Internet:
Quite a difficult invention without the innovation of a certain Sir Timothy Berners-Lee, the World Wide Web.
Well said
Dear Britain/United Kingdom,
Every language in use today is simply a derivative, bastardization, and/or amalgam of one or more older languages. Arguing that your British dialect is the “correct” form of the language is an exercise in futility.
Additionally, Humphry Davy, the British chemist who is credited with isolating the element known now as “aluminum” or “aluminium”, originally called his element “alumium” in 1808. By 1812, he changed the spelling to “aluminum” (note the distinct lack of a second “i”). It wasn’t until sometime that year that some anonymous British twit took it upon himself to change the spelling to “aluminium” on the basis that aluminum “has a less classical sound”. Your country’s inability to correctly attribute a word’s spelling to its creator is not America’s fault.
Sincerely,
America
Win!
I had an Australian boyfriend whose parents never would stop badgering me about ‘aluminum vs. aluminium’. Despite the fact that they liked me better than they did all three of their children. :-/
Well the thing is though, it breaks the chain, of the element naming convention, if you look at the periodic table, a large portion of them end in ium, it makes sense for Aluminium to be called that. Taking a very quick look there are only two -ums and one of them is the debated.
The letter is funny. It’s a joke. It’s not supposed to be taken seriously and people on each side of the atlantic can have a laugh about it and then close the window and forget about it. Seriously people. Chill out. Can’t things just be funny anymore without people having to pick them apart?
i would have to side with the brits on this, The americans have stolen several british invention and credited them as american. US Navy anyone?
btw AUSTRALIA FTW
hey you guys take Jokes well, NOOOOOOOOOOT!!!
If by Britain’s “original ideas” they mean all the stupid reality shows like “Pop Idol,” then they can have those back for all we care.
you do realise that American Idol recieved more votes than the presidential election.
P.S. The rest of the world really is getting sick of hearing you Septics bleat on about anything that flashes through your minimal minds.
Oh how I love Canada, we are like a mix of British and American, just not as self-centered and as dumb and fat as them…
Who’s Canada?
then why did they call you??? lol!
2. I already use ‘U’ when I spell such words
3. No
4. Now where did you get 27 from?
5. There is no such thing as British English. See previous dialect posts.
8. You have the same problems with therapists and frivolous lawsuits.
10. We do use German cars. Try using some of your own cars…wait I can’t think of any.
11. Am I believe that there are no intersections in England at all? Also if I recall correctly the British don’t use the metric system 100% of the time.
12. The US is 5 times more populous and about 40 times area wise. So we therefore must drive much more so no.
14. Sounds crappy. We need waiters more like German types. That don’t bother you every 10 minutes.
15. British Beer sucks just as much as American Beer.
16. I really don’t care that much about actors and such.
17. Not much a fan of sports so really don’t care.
18. Not sure if you have seen sports out side of making fun of American sports or your own. Many Asian countries are quite fond of baseball. In fact baseball is an Olympic Sport. Rugby is not.
In unrelated notes.
We were two years late in joining WW2. Yet you must remember, not only did we supply you with precious supplies. But we were fighting on two fronts since 1942 then on a third in 1944. (Japan, Africa, Europe). Commenting on the British productions that claim to have been hampered. The Nazis only ever attacked cities and RAF airfields, they hardly ever attacked industrial centers.
When on the ground in WW2 the British fielded one man for every 30 to 40 United States GIs. A fact that was acknowledged by the British themselves.
2. Good.
3. OK.
4. It was an estimate. This one, I don’t agree with.
8. I totally agree. If I see another advert for injurylawyers4u I may cause a workplace accident and receive 100% of the compensation.
10.You cant think of ANY British cars? Well there’s the Austin 7, the first mass produced car to have a layout that we would now call standard, Aston Martin make some of the world’s most awesome supercars. The Mini was invented in England. There’s Lotus, Ascari, TVR (well, they’re bust now, but), British Leyland, Morris (Morris Minor FTW XD)
11. But roundabouts and miles are so much better. =p
12. OK.
14. German waiters? srsly?
15. It’s an accquired taste. But we invented ‘beer’ so the name’s ours.
18. I believe, internationally more countries play rugby than baseball, or at least, more countries have an international team.
“Unrelated Notes” – aka “t3h war!”
The Nazis only ever attacked cities BECAUSE they ARE industrial centres. They wanted to destroy the factories creating munitions, planes and tanks for the war effort, the civilian deaths were a result of this.
When on the ground in WW2, the British may have fielded one man for every 30-40 GIs. I believe they’re called “Officers”. But seriously, there are 30-40x as many Americans as there are Brits, proportionally, it’s very similar.
I like how you people talk about your militia as if you /actually/ play an active role….
This whole conversation/debate/whatever is a little too pompous
Enjoy
good serial!
I’v just spent 10 mins readin all these comments, I love it when I find Britain vs America debates. Makes me chuckle. (I’m British by the way but i’m not taking sides). Just thought i’d say that 85% of t.v shows I watch are American and Canadian, (u gotta love Corner Gas). The only things worth watching on British TV are Mock The Week or Peep Show (plus a few others but not many) but at least we don’t have the Jonus Brothers. lol
блог отличный. пишите больше
Was walking on the moon originally a British idea? How about curing polio? Were Hemingway, Faulkner, and Steinbeck born on the East End? How many black prime ministers have the British elected?
yup, we stole much of their comedic culture.
Loved “The Vicar of Dibley” – Dawn French is awesome!
Yeah, if you could take that Harry Potter theme park as well with you that would be great…
So … the Canadians are just going to back away slowly, y/y?
You know, as an Australian, I really hate to see our international “Big Brother” being rude to Mothercountry Britain…
Would now be a bad time to remind you all in the USA that it took the help of the French to gain your independence?